Thought for the week.

Sometimes, it's amazing how quickly the answer will come to you, if you just ask why?

This morning I logged onto my facebook account and saw my friend saying about taking counseling and how it's good in the session but after she goes back to feeling crappy and depressed. My immediate missing-puncutation-response was:

well thats not the objective really is it...
your supposed to use the way you talk about things in counselling when you feel like crap so you can figure out why you feel like that and you learn to make small objectives that you can achieve as part of a bigger plan to sort your life out.

I started thinking about how we used to see what was upsetting me and think about why It was upsetting me and sometimes to get there, you have to think about times you've previously felt like it.

Now, one problem I have is that my lovely boyfriend is so bloody successful in life. He always seems to get everything, particularly in terms of work. He's always getting money in. Naturally, I can't help but feel a bit jealous. Thing is though, sometimes it really does upset me. I'll be all teary and start going down the crapper that is depression. It loops in my head that I'm not needed in the world, that I'm not good enough- I'm incapable of doing these jobs. Honestly, I know this isn't the case and it's just my stupid depression. But after a recent episode of crying (and I still feel a bit teary!) I thought about when I have I felt like this before. 

The answer came in an instant..

It sounds obscure and unrelated, but what a lot of people don't realise is that the past does have a big affect on how we think and feel in the present and our reaction to current events and predicaments. For me, the event when I first remember this feeling was when my Dad broke down into tears the saturday after my mum left. The younger ones were in bed at the time and he just started crying. There was nothing I could do. I was seeing the strongest person in my life crumble and I was too weak, too young, too stupid to make any difference to the pain he was feeling. Obviously it's not like that- I was 8 years old, there was nothing I could do then and if I was 80 there still wouldn't have been a lot. Yet for some reason when Nicks succesful and I'm sat around by myself I go back to that feeling. The feeling that there is nothing I can do in the world and I'm not good enough. 

Knowing this is why I react in that way makes me feel better. I always feel so bad because I know that he doesn't want to do anything to hurt me and it makes him feel awful, but now when he returns we can talk about it and he'll know it's not his fault. I'll also know why I feel like this and whilst it's unbelievably painful to be reminded of such a hard memory, it makes the current situation easier. There was nothing I could do then, it wasn't my fault. It's not my fault now either, half the work he does is technical and it's not my fault there isn't jobs going in my area of expertise. 

I'm sure I'll still feel jealous, that's natural. But now I've gained the first step to controlling this depressive episode if it attacks again, and that is an unbelievably important step.

The Popes Visit To Britain

Unsuprisingly, i felt the need to comment on his visit.

This is mostly due to some of the, frankly scandalous, comments he has made. He likened visiting Britain to visiting a third world country due to the large amounts of Atheism. He also declared that the Roman Catholic church was in danger under threats of dying out from Secular groups and the " atheist extremism" in the country. Now pardon me for daring to question such an important leader, and I except I may even be wrong, but I personally have never known or known of an extreme atheist. I have never been stopped in the street and asked to not commit myself to a religion and follow atheism. I have never had someone knocking on the door asking me to become an atheist. 

Yes, our deputy Prime minister is an atheist, but this is a country that tolerates all religious beliefs and doesn't discriminate. Is the head of the church going so far as to suggest that Clegg shouldn't be allowed the post, or it's wrong that he is in the post, based on his religious beliefs? Maybe in Rome this has a different meaning but I can say for certain, that in England the word for that is Discrimination.

I have never been, and never hope to be, anti-Christian, minorities do spoil it for all. Personally I think it's appalling that the FIGUREHEAD for a religion would be so openly prejudice. If a muslim did it, there would be an outcry, fact. 

On a different note, next chapter of Heaven's State will not happen soon as we don't have a LAN cable and are relying on Nicks phone, we also only have the laptop so both of those things make it hard for me to write it.

I'm also suffering from a Neck injury and have only just gained mobility in my right arm to allow for both handed typing :(

A Moment For Deep Thoughts

Today I'm writing about something ordinary and quite predictable. Can't guess what? Have a look at the date.

11th September 2010.

Nine years on from the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Centre.

I remember, all those years ago, coming home from school and both of my parents were sat around the telly staring in shock. I looked at the screen and saw a big American building with a whole load of smoke coming out of it. They then explained what had happened and I couldn't believe such a monstrosity was possible. I also remember a few years on, being on a school trip not far outside of London and hearing that there had been bombings in London. I went through the thought process of: "oh my god, will they bomb a huge tourist attraction near London? Seems kinda likely.." Obviously, I was safe but being older I had a much better understanding of things and seeing the front covers of newspapers for days, of a young man helping a lady who's face was covered or it was a half destroyed bus. 

The whole of Western society and had felt affects in some way..
So why? And why am I, who pays a shockingly poor attention to the news, writing about it?

The simple answer to the first question would involve pointing fingers at Al Qaeda. But then this brings us around to the second answer, I had been thinking about the way the Islamic faith is looked at in western society. I thought about a close friend who had been affected by Christian ideals. I thought about the violence that occurred in Ireland between Christians. I thought about History, and how funny it is that it has a habbit of repeating itself.  I thought about people who've said:
"I don't want anything to do with religion, it only causes wars and fighting."

But then I started to remember. Many years ago I was a devout member of the Church of England and it was an amazing feeling to be part of a community, to feel that I was always to be looked after by God. Religion did me a lot of good and kept me going.

It's a shame, that the whole image of a religion can be ruined by minorities isn't it? That's when I knew I would write Heaven's State. 

It's not an attack on religion. It's a criticism of certain people and says IF we allow ourselves as nations and countries to be closed minded this is what could happen. This works both ways, however, you could be a closed minded Christian or you could be someone who goes, "Oh, the Islamic faith caused 9/11, the whole religion must be evil." Topical example that people like this exist; Rev. Terry Jones. 

If I were to say a prayer today, I would pray for a future, where people are tolerant and respectful of others religions. Where people understand that some people think differently and you know what? If they're going to Hell, surely that's your God's decision, not yours. 

Today, I had a moments reflection. I wrote on a piece of paper "Religious Extremism" and set it alight in my garden. As I watched it burn, I spared a thought for the victims, of all  shape and form, of Religious extremism... I hope there is never another 9/11. I hope there is never another Reverend Terry Jones. People stopped burning "Witches" a long time ago, let's not take a step back, let's take a leap to a peaceful future.

Amen.

& We're back in business (Just Don't EAT The Inspiration)

Looks like the next chapter is coming along VERY well.

Sometimes the only way to beat Writers Block is to sit yourself down, in front of the computer (or notepad) with a bowl of inspiration. For me this comes in the form of Yoghurt coated Raisins. But it could be anything, even Noodles! Although it does work better if it's finger food that you can pick at every few sentences. JUST DON'T EAT THE INSPIRATION BEFORE YOU'VE EVEN STARTED!

I'm writing this now, not so much as public advice so much as something that I'll read and think 'urhh fine, i totally don't have the energy but OK i'll do it'

Now the big question facing me is do I carry on whilst I feel inspired and stay up half of the night or do I go to bed and pray I'll find the energy in the morning?

hmm.

Boring General Stuff

I have written anything here in AGES.

Writing:

Well what it doesn't say here is that Chapter 8 went up on Buzzle a while a go. I'd love to do my thing of talking a bit about the writing of it, but honestly I can't remember.

Which brings me to the point of; i haven't sat down and written a lot in a while because I'm so caught up in comings and goings at the moment. That is comings and goings from home, comings and goings of people, comings and goings of well events in general.

It's like when I had my tarot reading yesterday, certain cards didn't surprise me because they're ones you only tend to see when you're moving into a new phase of life and this is a point in my life where i'm riding that glorious wave of destiny. However, my writing won't thank me for it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm feeling very inspired. I could tell you exactly how Heaven's State is going to go from now on. I've had so many experiences this summer and the only real way to write is by going out and living these experiences. It's just, life is so hectic I don't have the time to sit down and write. But I'm saying this here as a fact:

I WILL FINISH HEAVEN'S STATE.

(eventually).

Life:

So as suggested before I'm going through a big phase of my life whereby I'm moving out of my family home to start a new life in a much more beautiful city and to further my education and career chances.

I'm excited.

I'm nervous.

I'm sad.

And a little scared shitless.

But I guess this is all normal things to be feeling. It's going to be great. I am going to face obstacles but it's JUST a matter of facing them head on and overcoming them. I know I can face whatever life flows at me. Sometimes it just requires a little positive thinking.

That said, I'm staring at a book my Grandma just placed in front of me called "Manifest your Desires: 365 Ways to make your dreams a reality." I'm thinking hmm yeah sure, right.
I don't think positive thinking can physically make things happen. It just makes the unexpected easier to bare.

You definitely shouldn't read those books and then expect miracles. 

And that's about it.

I've waffled on about nothing but I felt my blog feels neglected so had to put SOMETHING here.

I feel sorry for you if you're reading this. 

xD

Goodbye.