I haven't written anything here in a long while.
& I guess the title is an explanation of that. The past few months, while it would be wrong to say I've been constantly happy, I guess I've never experienced emotions that I was struggling to deal with. At the same time, to put a positive spin on the current situation, it means that that mountain of emotions that was such a mess before, must be shrinking somewhat. Now that I've found a way to actually pick apart and write about my thoughts.
Truth is, I'm not going to describe my situation on here. I don't want to talk about it. I have done. I think now it's getting to the point of accepting it and I'd rather just accept it exists and let it fester away in the background.
I shall, however, discuss some of my current thoughts that have stemmed from the situation.
There is one way in which I admire men.
Which is hard to believe, given my usual amount of sexist remarks and also particularly in my circumstances (oh c'mon. as if it isn't easy to tell a MAN is the cause of my misery :P).
Seriously. I had a conversation a month or so back.
"Well it's obvious he really likes you"
"I know he USED to fancy me like mad"
"There's no "used to" with men"
So I consulted another male in my life who confirmed this.
I genuinely think that's amazing. Girls don't quite have that, I don't think.
Growing up, my mum always told me "you never forget your first real love". This I'm certain is a truth. I'm never gonna have fully gotten over my first love. Don't get me wrong, I'm seriously not about to jump back into a relationship with said person BUT their hold on me is absolutely unreal. I will never have the same patience and tolerance for another person as long as I live ( well I guess kids would be an exception).
But other than that, girls don't work the same way. Thing is, for us everything is one big emotional drama. It's just the way we're programmed. But I think that's why men are capable of retaining love for so long, they don't get hit so heavy with it in the first place. If we didn't move on and over it, we'd explode. We have enough emotions as it is. I think Marv in Sin City said it best, "That's the thing with dames, sometimes all they gotta do is let it out and a few buckets later there's no way you'd know." It's very true. I warned my ex of 2 1/2 years, when he tried to break up with me, that if there was any chance he would ever want me back, he mustn't do it. Because I will cry, I will scream, I will tear my heart to fucking pieces. But then I'll move on and there will be no going back.
I wish I could put the brakes on this process. I can feel myself in it now. I cried for days. Couldn't eat. Literally filled a tesco carrier bag with tissues on that first evening alone. Threw up in the morning.
But now it's gone quiet inside. Only embers. The problem is.. they will go out. Or maybe the problem is, that a little bit of fuel and they'll be set alight again.
I honestly do not know.
