Folding up the boxers of a man I once loved, I stared at the faded pattern, remembering the once giddy excitement of seeing my favorite new pair and rather little else. I sighed. I reached up and put away the boxers of a man I sometimes hate but shouldn't for he is truly one of the best friends I have. He isn't here now. I longed for a respite from his irksome ways yet now the cold chill of loneliness (that's just another sign of the times, believe me) had crept through my bones and I thought with a tear of joy and a tear of raw sadness how much things had changed.
You see, I am reaching a time in my life again, where I feel the need to turn to creative pursuits to deal with the feelings I'm having. Currently I can't identify the emotion that has lead me to sitting here now. It's both so sad and so happy. I guess I just look at how much my life has grown and changed, largely thanks to university and I am so unbearably happy for having had the chance to grow and develop as a person in such a safe and loving environment. Then of course I think of the other things. Of broken hearts and torn up letters (points if you know what song i'm referring to) of how I'd always told myself that you should never have regrets, they are utterly pointless, but lessons, now they're worth holding onto. Yet I have this strange unfamiliar taste in my mouth and it's so sour I think my tongue will swell up and choke me. Regret is such a pointless emotion.
I have this scene replaying in my head right now. It's from the end of the film Mean Girls. When they're second years (or however it works in high school) and they're all pretty good friends and they see their past selves reflected in the new first years and how much immaturity they're going to go through and how much they're going to change etc. I wonder if next year will be like that. Will I look at the freshers and just have an attitude of tch, freshers. Will we still act the same way next year? Will we find ourselves locked in endless cycles, ignoring the lessons we were given? I know some people never grow up, but I like to think we will have to a certain extent. I mean hey, look, this time last year, how many of us were cooking our own meals or doing our own washing? Human beings are amazing for their capacity to learn. Yet, if you choose to avoid lessons, if you don't throw yourselves in the deep end, how do you learn? Aye, you can stick to what you know, you can be a social aristocrat, turning up your nose on working class social faux pas, but we who have dived in and explored further areas, we know so much more than you do, we just won't claim expertise.
Then the other, the most beautiful thing about learning lessons, is when we get given new starts. Folding up the washing, in the flat I share with my long since ex boyfriend, thinking about changes, it's hard not to think about new starts and I think that's what allows me to be happy. I can make this flat how I want it, hop on a train, turn my back to the consequences that fade with time and return. To a fresh looking flat and fresher feeling thoughts. I think my life isn't going to get any better in this new cycle. BUT I think I may get the chance to learn to realise what I have. I've spent so much time bouncing on cloud 9, feeling so happy I could die, that when I slipped a bit, it felt like such a higher fall than it was. I have begun my lesson towards calmness. I think I shall always be somewhat overdramatic, that's in my nature.
That's the problem with us theatrical types. I don't think we're ever allowed to be truly happy. We can't stop for a second to appreciate something unless it's big and full of shazam and then it's only for a second because we need to hurry to the next big thing. We're always searching for a new high and a new adventure and bloody hell, do we have more fun along the way then the people who will settle, but we pay for it. We never get to stop in the photograph and see the moment for it's full glory. We even move to fast to be captured on film to see the string of things. Our punishment, is to be forever moving through instances. Only when it's live and happening can we be happy for it. Then it's gone. Until the next live and happening. And we forget, that when we're moving on and our instant is gone, someone else who was there lives in photographs and that moment was captured for them forever. So if we don't make it something good, our lives full quickly into tragedy. No more comedy. Unless of course we keep moving and wait til the next time to try and put on the brakes a bit sooner. Because, I think if we did, we might see our mistakes a bit clearer but furthermore, we'd enjoy the good moments instead of letting them slip through our finger tips by chasing after the next big thing, expecting people to keep up and join in our madness.
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