Unloading feelings.

It's been 2 months since that first time and I still think about you more than I should.
Things are how they are for good reason and I think if I had the option, I wouldn't change things.

But I miss you. And it had to be said.

The Theatrical Changes Of A Dramatic Life.

Folding up the boxers of a man I once loved, I stared at the faded pattern, remembering the once giddy excitement of seeing my favorite new pair and rather little else. I sighed. I reached up and put away the boxers of a man I sometimes hate but shouldn't for he is truly one of the best friends I have. He isn't here now. I longed for a respite from his irksome ways yet now the cold chill of loneliness (that's just another sign of the times, believe me) had crept through my bones and I thought with a tear of joy and a tear of raw sadness how much things had changed.

You see, I am reaching a time in my life again, where I feel the need to turn to creative pursuits to deal with the feelings I'm having. Currently I can't identify the emotion that has lead me to sitting here now. It's both so sad and so happy. I guess I just look at how much my life has grown and changed, largely thanks to university and I am so unbearably happy for having had the chance to grow and develop as a person in such a safe and loving environment. Then of course I think of the other things. Of broken hearts and torn up letters (points if you know what song i'm referring to) of how I'd always told myself that you should never have regrets, they are utterly pointless, but lessons, now they're worth holding onto. Yet I have this strange unfamiliar taste in my mouth and it's so sour I think my tongue will swell up and choke me. Regret is such a pointless emotion.

I have this scene replaying in my head right now. It's from the end of the film Mean Girls. When they're second years (or however it works in high school) and they're all pretty good friends and they see their past selves reflected in the new first years and how much immaturity they're going to go through and how much they're going to change etc. I wonder if next year will be like that. Will I look at the freshers and just have an attitude of tch, freshers. Will we still act the same way next year? Will we find ourselves locked in endless cycles, ignoring the lessons we were given? I know some people never grow up, but I like to think we will have to a certain extent. I mean hey, look, this time last year, how many of us were cooking our own meals or doing our own washing? Human beings are amazing for their capacity to learn. Yet, if you choose to avoid lessons, if you don't throw yourselves in the deep end, how do you learn? Aye, you can stick to what you know, you can be a social aristocrat, turning up your nose on working class social faux pas, but we who have dived in and explored further areas, we know so much more than you do, we just won't claim expertise.

Then the other, the most beautiful thing about learning lessons, is when we get given new starts. Folding up the washing, in the flat I share with my long since ex boyfriend, thinking about changes, it's hard not to think about new starts and I think that's what allows me to be happy. I can make this flat how I want it, hop on a train, turn my back to the consequences that fade with time and return. To a fresh looking flat and fresher feeling thoughts. I think my life isn't going to get any better in this new cycle. BUT I think I may get the chance to learn to realise what I have. I've spent so much time bouncing on cloud 9, feeling so happy I could die, that when I slipped a bit, it felt like such a higher fall than it was. I have begun my lesson towards calmness. I think I shall always be somewhat overdramatic, that's in my nature.

That's the problem with us theatrical types. I don't think we're ever allowed to be truly happy. We can't stop for a second to appreciate something unless it's big and full of shazam and then it's only for a second because we need to hurry to the next big thing. We're always searching for a new high and a new adventure and bloody hell, do we have more fun along the way then the people who will settle, but we pay for it. We never get to stop in the photograph and see the moment for it's full glory. We even move to fast to be captured on film to see the string of things. Our punishment, is to be forever moving through instances. Only when it's live and happening can we be happy for it. Then it's gone. Until the next live and happening. And we forget, that when we're moving on and our instant is gone, someone else who was there lives in photographs and that moment was captured for them forever. So if we don't make it something good, our lives full quickly into tragedy. No more comedy. Unless of course we keep moving and wait til the next time to try and put on the brakes a bit sooner. Because, I think if we did, we might see our mistakes a bit clearer but furthermore, we'd enjoy the good moments instead of letting them slip through our finger tips by chasing after the next big thing, expecting people to keep up and join in our madness.

Type the name of a command and press enter to execute it, or help for assistance.

Type the name of a command and press enter to execute it, or help for assistance.

Sometimes I write to deal with things..

I haven't written anything here in a long while.

& I guess the title is an explanation of that. The past few months, while it would be wrong to say I've been constantly happy, I guess I've never experienced emotions that I was struggling to deal with. At the same time, to put a positive spin on the current situation, it means that that mountain of emotions that was such a mess before, must be shrinking somewhat. Now that I've found a way to actually pick apart and write about my thoughts.

Truth is, I'm not going to describe my situation on here. I don't want to talk about it. I have done. I think now it's getting to the point of accepting it and I'd rather just accept it exists and let it fester away in the background.

I shall, however, discuss some of my current thoughts that have stemmed from the situation.

There is one way in which I admire men.

Which is hard to believe, given my usual amount of sexist remarks and also particularly in my circumstances (oh c'mon. as if it isn't easy to tell a MAN is the cause of my misery :P).
Seriously. I had a conversation a month or so back.
"Well it's obvious he really likes you"
"I know he USED to fancy me like mad"
"There's no "used to" with men"
So I consulted another male in my life who confirmed this.

I genuinely think that's amazing. Girls don't quite have that, I don't think.

Growing up, my mum always told me "you never forget your first real love". This I'm certain is a truth. I'm never gonna have fully gotten over my first love. Don't get me wrong, I'm seriously not about to jump back into a relationship with said person BUT their hold on me is absolutely unreal. I will never have the same patience and tolerance for another person as long as I live ( well I guess kids would be an exception).

But other than that, girls don't work the same way. Thing is, for us everything is one big emotional drama. It's just the way we're programmed. But I think that's why men are capable of retaining love for so long, they don't get hit so heavy with it in the first place. If we didn't move on and over it, we'd explode. We have enough emotions as it is. I think Marv in Sin City said it best, "That's the thing with dames, sometimes all they gotta do is let it out and a few buckets later there's no way you'd know." It's very true. I warned my ex of 2 1/2 years, when he tried to break up with me, that if there was any chance he would ever want me back, he mustn't do it. Because I will cry, I will scream, I will tear my heart to fucking pieces. But then I'll move on and there will be no going back.

I wish I could put the brakes on this process. I can feel myself in it now. I cried for days. Couldn't eat. Literally filled a tesco carrier bag with tissues on that first evening alone. Threw up in the morning.

But now it's gone quiet inside. Only embers. The problem is.. they will go out. Or maybe the problem is, that a little bit of fuel and they'll be set alight again.

I honestly do not know.

Poem I JUST Wrote!

Sometimes when I get really emotional, I end up investing it in poetry.Actually, the thoughts here, aren't the ones I'd intended on communicating but I still feel that way.

Isn't it funny how all those things so unintended,

Cane affect us this way, make our lives demented,

No plans were ever made, we didn't ask to be here,

But now my life has changed and I guess I'm choosing you, dear,

No one ever asked me, "is that ok with you?"

But the truth must be some things just aren't thought through,

Some times there isn't a map, a plan or a chart,

Because not even a woman, is less predictable than the heart.

Figured a little bit of humor wouldn't go amiss!

A New Post For The Sake Of A New Post

Exactly that, because a lot has happened and I haven't told the whole wide world (or the maybe one person who actually reads this) all about it..

Couldn't that just be the life story of facebook? It's a bit of an odd concept. Where's the line between egotism, imitating celebrity culture or just being a coping mechanism. I know sometimes it's easier to just put that you feel like crap on a facebook status than it is to tell someone you're struggling.

Update on my life..

Because context is a useful thing when reading something.

So.. University. Wow. Incredible. New. Exciting. PEOPLE! Things to do.. Phwoooar.

Which is why i've made veeeery little progress on my creative writing ventures.

Also, shockingly, I've also recently seen the break down of my relationship. Yes, I found it very hard to cope with at first, especially given the circumstances in which things have happened, but I'm dealing now. After a very emotional few months I think i'm starting to settle which means I'll actually have clear enough thoughts to write again. xD

Either way, my love life has taken an.. interesting turn. I'm saying nothing on here in an attempt to avoid the whole putting my private life online sort of opening statement kind of thing, but there's someone I like. Someone who likes me.

Mmm if people actually read this.. I bet they'd be really guessing right about now.

So some interesting thoughts I've had lately.

Please don't be shocked by that statement. I are quite intelligent sometymes i swair.

What's the price of happiness and how do you know you've found it?

Can you steal something that wasn't truly owned in the first place, or can theft happen on a deeper level?

So, just what actually is love, how do you recognise it, what's the right KIND of love?

I suppose the only real answer there is that, none of them can be answered outright. They're all circumstantial.

The first one I'd sort of been thinking about anyway and then rewatching The Beach for the hundredth time re-put the thought in my head. We all know how happy feels but if you can find happiness why is it that you can also lose it? Say for example, if a relationship doesn't change but you start to lose interest, despite how happy it made you before, was that real happiness? Or maybe that's the point. Happiness is not something that's immortal and is something you can only ever seize in the moment and once that moments gone... well you just have to be happy for the memory. So WHY then, do we pay such enormous prices for happiness? A daughter goes against the families wishes to be with a man they distrust. Well we all know that it won't always be a happy scenario so why is it worth the price of family? That's a pretty hefty price. What about monetary values placed on things? What about sacrifices made?

The second one is very dependent on personal opinion, I think. At school, one thing that used to really annoy me was "you stole so and so"from me. A person can not be stolen, they CHOSE to go. Well, unless school kids have taken to shoving potential friends in sacks and dragging them across the playground.. ok, kids of today, wouldn't put it past them. But then on another level it is like theft. If someone or something holds a particular place or label in your life and they are then removed from that without your permission or consent, it is like a theft has taken place. It's a very strange and tricky one I think. I suppose maybe like beauty, theft too is in the eye of the beholder.

The third one I suppose is unanswerable. It's just, I think about three people in my life that I'm certain I have loved (or do now) and each time it's had a different feel to it. One was the most burning, urgent feeling in the world. Exactly what I'd wanted at the time. I'd even gone so far as to hurt myself over said person and honestly, even today they have a big hold on me, even though I know longer feel like that. The second was a more comfortable feeling. A sense of belonging, fitting and harmony. A deep kind of caring. Blind as I was, in a lot of ways I wondered if it that was it, that was how it was meant to be. The third is.. harder to describe. It's without desperation, it's without serious depth. It's like a quiet happiness that somehow excites me completely. Like being free to laugh, free to be happy and just enjoy oneself. Somehow a strange mix of safety and excitement that, you don't want to lose and miss when it's gone. In my current mind set the third sounds fantastic because it's so not stressful. The other two can be very problematic. That said, three can have it's issues and it's complications. Three isn't without temptation.. but it's not a strong feeling it's a oh holy cow my willpower went just then and I don't care. Three isn't without care. The thought of said person being sad makes me very sad. But I couldn't be happier to think of them smiling.
So how do you define which of those is love? Having experienced them all, I would say they all are. They're all genuine. Perhaps, it's wholly dependent on the person and maybe that's why they're all unique because otherwise the line between a crush and love would be so thin. Not that it isn't tricky now? Would I be asking myself all these questions if it wasn't?

So perhaps that's the moral. Don't ask questions. Just live. Be. Do.

Thought for the week.

Sometimes, it's amazing how quickly the answer will come to you, if you just ask why?

This morning I logged onto my facebook account and saw my friend saying about taking counseling and how it's good in the session but after she goes back to feeling crappy and depressed. My immediate missing-puncutation-response was:

well thats not the objective really is it...
your supposed to use the way you talk about things in counselling when you feel like crap so you can figure out why you feel like that and you learn to make small objectives that you can achieve as part of a bigger plan to sort your life out.

I started thinking about how we used to see what was upsetting me and think about why It was upsetting me and sometimes to get there, you have to think about times you've previously felt like it.

Now, one problem I have is that my lovely boyfriend is so bloody successful in life. He always seems to get everything, particularly in terms of work. He's always getting money in. Naturally, I can't help but feel a bit jealous. Thing is though, sometimes it really does upset me. I'll be all teary and start going down the crapper that is depression. It loops in my head that I'm not needed in the world, that I'm not good enough- I'm incapable of doing these jobs. Honestly, I know this isn't the case and it's just my stupid depression. But after a recent episode of crying (and I still feel a bit teary!) I thought about when I have I felt like this before. 

The answer came in an instant..

It sounds obscure and unrelated, but what a lot of people don't realise is that the past does have a big affect on how we think and feel in the present and our reaction to current events and predicaments. For me, the event when I first remember this feeling was when my Dad broke down into tears the saturday after my mum left. The younger ones were in bed at the time and he just started crying. There was nothing I could do. I was seeing the strongest person in my life crumble and I was too weak, too young, too stupid to make any difference to the pain he was feeling. Obviously it's not like that- I was 8 years old, there was nothing I could do then and if I was 80 there still wouldn't have been a lot. Yet for some reason when Nicks succesful and I'm sat around by myself I go back to that feeling. The feeling that there is nothing I can do in the world and I'm not good enough. 

Knowing this is why I react in that way makes me feel better. I always feel so bad because I know that he doesn't want to do anything to hurt me and it makes him feel awful, but now when he returns we can talk about it and he'll know it's not his fault. I'll also know why I feel like this and whilst it's unbelievably painful to be reminded of such a hard memory, it makes the current situation easier. There was nothing I could do then, it wasn't my fault. It's not my fault now either, half the work he does is technical and it's not my fault there isn't jobs going in my area of expertise. 

I'm sure I'll still feel jealous, that's natural. But now I've gained the first step to controlling this depressive episode if it attacks again, and that is an unbelievably important step.

The Popes Visit To Britain

Unsuprisingly, i felt the need to comment on his visit.

This is mostly due to some of the, frankly scandalous, comments he has made. He likened visiting Britain to visiting a third world country due to the large amounts of Atheism. He also declared that the Roman Catholic church was in danger under threats of dying out from Secular groups and the " atheist extremism" in the country. Now pardon me for daring to question such an important leader, and I except I may even be wrong, but I personally have never known or known of an extreme atheist. I have never been stopped in the street and asked to not commit myself to a religion and follow atheism. I have never had someone knocking on the door asking me to become an atheist. 

Yes, our deputy Prime minister is an atheist, but this is a country that tolerates all religious beliefs and doesn't discriminate. Is the head of the church going so far as to suggest that Clegg shouldn't be allowed the post, or it's wrong that he is in the post, based on his religious beliefs? Maybe in Rome this has a different meaning but I can say for certain, that in England the word for that is Discrimination.

I have never been, and never hope to be, anti-Christian, minorities do spoil it for all. Personally I think it's appalling that the FIGUREHEAD for a religion would be so openly prejudice. If a muslim did it, there would be an outcry, fact. 

On a different note, next chapter of Heaven's State will not happen soon as we don't have a LAN cable and are relying on Nicks phone, we also only have the laptop so both of those things make it hard for me to write it.

I'm also suffering from a Neck injury and have only just gained mobility in my right arm to allow for both handed typing :(